The struggle is real.

by Olipophatbaby | Oct 24, 2017 | Lifestyle, Motherhood

Trust me, I know THE STRUGGLE IS REAL! I had Poppy at 24. Lot of my friends didn’t have children and I remember fretting and worrying about EVERYTHING.

I was SO hard on myself, I felt like I was the only parent that had meltdowns, who felt like they couldn’t cope … or there just wasn’t enough time.

I felt like I was failing at parenthood and in day-to-day activities!

My house was a mess, my child would (and actually still does) go from looking like a member of the royal family to looking like one of the Adams’ family in no time and guaranteed I’d always forget the nappy bag, baby wipes and a spare clothes when out and about.

What I started to realise is, no one is an expert in raising children! Everyone has different ways and methods. If your children are happy, you are doing better than OK at raising them, so don’t worry! 

We all find parenthood hard … and those that don’t are f@cking liars! 

Here are a few of my friends’ struggles in parenthood, followed by simple things they like to do with their children. 

Enjoy!

Jessica Cunningham

Mum of Poppy aged 6, Olive aged 4 and Hatti aged 3

3 things I find hard as a parent 

1. I find it hard to balance being a Mum and everything else that life involves – from working to housework to the frickin’ laundry basket. I could do a whole blog post on the laundry basket. I swear it’s possessed in my house. One minute it’s empty, the next there are mounds of clothes.
2. Generally, I have bundles of energy and I don’t need much sleep, but I find motherhood difficult when I’m tired or stressed. I snap at things … like my children breathing, or them asking me to wipe their bum (or them asking if they can wipe my bum). The days where I am tired and stressed also seem to be the days when I hear the word “Mummy” 32, 453 times. Then I feel guilty for snapping, because they are just kids, being kids. 
3. I really struggle to find time to spend one-on-one time with each of my children, my partner and myself. I feel guilty all the time that individual time doesn’t happen often with each of the kids.

Little things we enjoy doing:

1. If the weather is mild at night, we put our pyjamas and dressing gown on (adults too) and we go for a 30-minute walk to a ‘wishing box AKA a red post box! We each post a penny into the post box, make a wish and walk back. This gives us time to chat about the day, about school, any worries…etc. It is one of my favourite things to do. 
2. On a Sunday, we always bake a cake to eat after our dinner with a pot of tea. I didn’t have many traditions in my family growing up, and traditions are something I wanted my children to have. 
3. Sometimes we like to do things that are spontaneous with the kids, whether that is an hour’s drive to a new park, toasting marshmallows on a cliff or making our own facemasks!

 Coralie

Mum of Harrison 9 and Spencer 6

3 things I find hard as a parent:

1. Work/home life balance and feeling guilty that I don’t spend enough time with the children, and the time that I do spend is often nagging them to get dressed or eating dinner.
2. Knowing whether I’m being too strict or not. I wonder if I tell them off too much for ‘little things’ that I should let pass, or if their behaviour is good enough.  
3. HOMEWORK! I hate being the one to nag them to do this! I didn’t set the homework but I try to enforce it, so I am the horrible one making them work at home! 

Little things we enjoy doing:

1. Most importantly, the bedtime story. I love reading books to the children and the satisfaction of getting to the end of a meaty book! I love that the children enjoy hearing a range of stories and it’s something that we can share every day.
2. Lazy days! When we are so busy, sometimes it’s just nice to laze in duvets and watch movies and eat like pigs without feeling guilty.
3. Listening to music on car journeys. We take it in turns to pick any song and just sing and dance in the car (although, it is mostly me dancing)! It’s great to share the music with them and listen to what they’re into whilst also educating them on good tunes from my era!

Lindsey 

Mum of Darcey aged 6 and Charlie aged 13

3 things I find hard as a parent:

1. The major thing that hit me when I became a Mother (that I was totally unprepared for) was the absolute LACK of freedom. Freedom to pop out to the shops on my own, freedom to go away for the weekend, freedom to hibernate on wet, cold days, the freedom to please myself as to what I did and when I did it … without having to organise a million things and prepare! So, I suppose that lack of spontaneity is included in this too. As quite a spontaneous person, this hit me hard! Oh, how I miss those distant days…
2. Which leads onto the…GUILT!!!! From the minute they’re born that guilt is a tough one to shift. Am I a bad Mum for not breastfeeding? Should I still be allowed to do the things that I enjoy as a person in my own right, even if that means leaving baby/child with Dad or Grandparents or even worse a babysitter? Will the kids ever forgive me for missing them getting an award at school for ‘not picking their noses’? Will my kids be mentally traumatised because I allowed them to watch Netflix for 2 hours so I had some peace to pick up their mess and cook dinner?… Worse still for the ‘working mum’. That famous quote… ‘You feel that you need to work as if you don’t have kids but be a Mother like you don’t have a job’ ?? I could go on…
3. Which leads again to: THE JUDGEMENT OF OTHERS. I joked with the midwife, after giving birth to my first, that they hadn’t given me the manual when they were discharging me. Ha! How I needed that ‘instruction booklet’. How the heck did I know how to change a boy’s nappy? I’m one of 2 girls…I didn’t even see a penis until I was about 16?!! What if I did it wrong?

From then on, the fear of judgement from others played on my mind. How should I parent? Will others agree/approve? What would my own Mother have done? Her Mother? You can bet there are a million others that would do things differently! I think it’s only as the children get older and we all realise that we’re all ‘winging it’ at least a little bit, that the fear of others’ judgement wanes a bit and you become more confident in your own decisions.

Chloe

Mum to Elodie aged 6

2 things I find hard as a parent:

1. I find it really hard being a single mum, as I am constantly having to find the time to work, find the time to spend with Elodie, and then also I feel it is important to have my own time, so I don’t lose sight of who I am.
2. Being a single parent comes with a huge burden. I have to provide for Elodie and myself and I also want to be able to afford the activities she enjoys which is part of her character. However, only one household income that has to spread the cost of everything, often means I have to sacrifice my time because sometimes you simply don’t have the cash flow to do everything.  One month I find I have dance lessons to pay for the next month swimming lessons.

Little things we enjoy doing:

1. We always tend to have a movie night on a Friday and I like to invite Elodie’s cousins round to join us. With Elodie being a lone child, I am conscious that she needs to be around other children and build sibling-like relationships.
2. Every night at bedtime we always say a little a prayer. We say thank you for three things that made Elodie smile that day. Then I ask if anything made her feel sad that day and we pray for the people that made her feel sad. Again, not wanting to be a bore about the single parent status, it is just because I don’t want Elodie to feel like she’s missing out on certain things like a family life and I want her to understand that I can’t give everything that she wants. I want her to know that not everyone gets everything.

Georgina

Mum to Joshua aged 6

3 things I find hard as a parent:

1. I am a full-time single mum and I also work full-time, I find it difficult to find time to allow me to keep my own identity.  During the day I am in work mode, and at the evening and weekends I am in mum mode. I find it difficult to have ‘me’ time.
2. I struggle to create enough child time for Joshua, as after work I find I am always rushing around, making dinner and getting things sorted for the next day which creates quite an adult environment. I have to remind myself to find time to come down to Joshua’s level and into a child environment, so I can spend quality time with my child.
3. I struggle with how to get my child to do the things I need him to do when I need him to do it.

Little things we enjoy doing:

1. Once a week we have a movie night with a snack bowl (that we like to call it) which has lots of little treats in. We then snuggle under the duvet on the couch in our PJs and watch a fun movie.
2. This one is bit like the Kardashians actually … but I always like to find out a highlight and lowlight of each day from Joshua (not that I manage to extract any information from him, but I do try)!

So there we have it!

Lots of love

Jess #momboss

No shame with the ‘single mum’ label.

by Olipophatbaby | Oct 18, 2017 | Lifestyle, Motherhood

Well, I read an article on the Daily Mail and nearly spat my cup of tea out! It was about an interview with Ferne McCann and OK! magazine and the headline read how she: “refuses to be labelled a ‘single mum’” …as if there is shame attached with becoming a single parent?

Now, I understand that Ferne won’t quite understand the statement just yet, nor will she understand how she will have offended MANY single mums out there. 

She probably thinks that the statement is empowering for women. But, after experiencing life as a single mum – I strongly disagree. The term single mum is something you can own. From worrying where you are going to get money from to pay the bills and raising a child/children alone, to finding time to be able to work, spend time with your kids and fit in some “you time”. Becoming a single parent consumes who you are. You try and overcompensate for the lack of the other parent … and I’m not just talking about single mums but single parents, in general.

For a long time after the split, you feel guilt-ridden. You have constant questions that run through your mind of ‘is this the right thing’. 

You worry that the family you had has now broken up. You question what the long term effects of this split will mean for your child/children. The sad part is nobody (including Ferne) WANTS to be a single parent -feeling like a statistic, but sometimes situations just don’t work out among parents and the parent/parents decide to do what is best for the child/children. You worry you won’t have happy children.

I, like many single parents, chose to embrace being a single parent, because that is what I was. Although it was not ideal, or initially what I wanted, I am SO proud of what I have achieved raising three children under the age of three, while single.

Ferne is a mum-to-be who is single but until you have that baby in your arms and until you experience life as a single parent, you will never truly know what it is like to be a single parent. I realise that may sound condescending but before you have children, you assume that you know what it’s like to have children, because you’ve looked after your nieces, nephews or friends’ kids.

Trust me, you don’t! 24/7, 365 days a year is different to a two-hour stint. Even being pregnant and feeling the love you have for your unborn child, you still don’t know what it’s like until you have the sole responsibility for the child that you are parenting. 

For many single mums and dads out there, the struggle is real! I am not claiming to be an expert or forcing my opinion on others, but I can speak from my own experience and from the parents at my children’s school who are single. Whilst I appreciate that everyone’s situation is different – some single parents having a 50/50 split, others get no help from their ex and some are financially supported, others aren’t. Every single parent’s situation is unique to them.

What we have in common is that the majority of single parents have all been on an emotional journey and a struggle, but are proud that they have coped in the face of adversity. When the road seemed to be spiralling downhill, they hiked up that bloody hill – bare foot! And through that journey, they have grown confidence in their own ability as a single parent and don’t feel that they are ‘labelled’. Instead, they feel empowered through their own actions and abilities.

I have a lot of respect, empathy, and support for Ferne. Through no fault of her own, she has had to make probably the hardest decision of her life choosing to become a single parent! But with that ‘label’, she will also have the chance to inspire others, who are in shitty situations with their partners to be brave, to be bold and to do something about it.

Ferne is incredibly lucky to be in a position to be able to inspire others and let them know that being a single parent isn’t shameful – sometimes it’s the only option you have. I believe that embracing the label she has been ‘given’, will help remove the stigma that still surrounds that label. It is not a shameful label, it is a label of courage, determination and will. All three things that Ferne has.

Much love 

Jess #MOMlife

Thank you Loose Women

by Olipophatbaby | Oct 17, 2017 | Lifestyle, Motherhood

I was sat on the train back from London, after being asked to go on loose women to raise awareness about grieving children.

At first, I  felt sick at the thought of opening up the world I had been living in for the past couple of months,  as this would be the first time speaking in public about the death of my children’s father.

I started to think about our lives, realising we are not the only people in this situation. But every night, for hours at a time, when you’re left holding your grieving children that you love completely, you do feel like the only person in this world going through this. For me, hearing stories of others that have been in a similar situation has helped me to come to terms with the future and what it means for my children.

When a death happens, so many people do not know how to deal with or react to it. This is even more so when it is a suicide or when there are children involved. So many people feel like they have to shy away or avoid those connected to the death, which, I understand may be difficult, as no one likes to probe a conversation about the loss for fear of upsetting the loved ones. When someone dies, people need to talk, you need to know people give a shit!

Talking and addressing feelings needs to happen, especially for children. It is ok to say to a child that has lost a loved one “I’m sorry someone you lost died, I’m thinking of you”, children need to hear words of support and to know that they can talk. But if we all walk around with our bloody heads in the sand, pretending everything is hunky dory – nothing will get resolved and can leave permanent damage.

Children are so much more attuned to things than we give them credit for, and children, more than anyone, are the ones that need to understand that it is normal and healthy to talk, because they do not carry the logic that we have as adults. 

Apart from free therapy from Jeff Brazier (I am joking there) I felt compelled to go on the show to help people understand/raise awareness for grieving children. It is important for people who are in similar situations to myself to know that they are not alone and there is help out there.

I want to thank Loose Women for having me,  Colleen, Nadia, Janet, Andrea and Jeff for handling this painful topic with love, grace and support. I was nervous, sad, anxious, all the feelings you don’t want to be when you are talking about something so important. So thank you. It was a cathartic experience. 

Two charities that have helped me are; The Samaritans and Winstons Wish 

The Samaritans, talked me through what was the best way to tell my children their father had died and the second charity was Winstons Wish , who are great with advice on how to handle such a delicate situation and a friendly voice. 

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my partner, Alex, for his continued support and love with my family. And also the messages of support and kindness.

Thank you 

Jess X

Ariba Ariba!

by Olipophatbaby | Oct 16, 2017 | Lifestyle, Motherhood

I have woken up yesterday,  literally feeling how I look in this picture. And FYI, yes I still do have the night before’s make-up on. 

However, feeling like utter sh!t, with my breath resembling that of dog poo, and my hair similar to that of a scarecrow, I can safely say it was definitely worth it. Although, I did attend a children’s party, which included jumping around like a maniac on a trampoline sweating the alcohol out of my system whilst refraining from vomiting on small children.

You see, I went to a Mexican themed charity night, to help raise £44,000 for a chap called Mark who suffers from MS.. Now the chances are if you are reading this blog post, you probably have kids, with it being a mum blog and all that. And if you don’t have kids, just imagine the below anyway, but close your eyes and think ‘child’hood pet instead.

But for all those parents, guardians or carers, I’d like you to take five minutes to just to look at your children, but I mean really look at them and just watch them for 5 minutes. Are you starting to feel how much you love them, and how much they love you back? Can you sense how much they need you and you need them? Now, can you think back to all the times you have taken them to the park, pushed them on a swing and how you may not have understood how lucky you are to be able to do something so simple as a visit to the park?

Think back to how many times you have been ‘too tired’ or used the line  ‘I think the parks closed today’ as an excuse not to do something so simple and small. Or even how many times you have chosen housework over time with the kids  (again, I used to be guilty of this, but after 6 years and three children, I have come to terms with I’m never going to have the Pinterest house I dreamt of, unless I bin all the kid’s toys, clothes, and games. Which I have been tempted to do. More than once.)

Have you, just like me, taken kicking a football, or playing tig, or hide and seek for granted? Just expected that you will always be able to do such things. I know I have, I haven’t even give it a second thought up until recently and reading Marks story.  

Imagine being told that you have MS, and that without treatment you won’t be able to do all the things I have mentioned in the above. I have known Mark for two years, and Mark is one of the of those guys who would help anyone, always smiling, and available to help anyone, and a guy you wouldn’t even know this was happening too if they didn’t need the funds. Mark just wants a chance to be able to do all those things we sometimes take for granted and give his two small children, Oliver and Laucian who are 8 and now 6 the dad they have known and will continue to know.

We take so many things for granted as parents and as human beings, and it is only in the face of adversity that we sit up, we listen and we change. 

Imagine, if that was you who needed the money for treatment, that is you watching your children and wondering with the ‘what if’s’. I can’t bear to imagine not being fit and healthy for my children, and I know I have taken the fact that I am for granted. Anyone who reads this, share it, donate to this page, tell your friends on social media about it. It is in moments like these when people pull together to get things done. So lets flipping do this and help to send Mark to Mexico for his treatment.

Think about how much money have you may have spent frivolously on coffee’s, chocolate, those bloody LOL’s in Tesco? 

Click here and bloody donate NOW! and press the share button!

Lots of love 

Jess #MOMboss

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/marksmexicosalvador