No shame with the ‘single mum’ label.

by Olipophatbaby | Oct 18, 2017 | Lifestyle, Motherhood

Well, I read an article on the Daily Mail and nearly spat my cup of tea out! It was about an interview with Ferne McCann and OK! magazine and the headline read how she: “refuses to be labelled a ‘single mum’” …as if there is shame attached with becoming a single parent?

Now, I understand that Ferne won’t quite understand the statement just yet, nor will she understand how she will have offended MANY single mums out there. 

She probably thinks that the statement is empowering for women. But, after experiencing life as a single mum – I strongly disagree. The term single mum is something you can own. From worrying where you are going to get money from to pay the bills and raising a child/children alone, to finding time to be able to work, spend time with your kids and fit in some “you time”. Becoming a single parent consumes who you are. You try and overcompensate for the lack of the other parent … and I’m not just talking about single mums but single parents, in general.

For a long time after the split, you feel guilt-ridden. You have constant questions that run through your mind of ‘is this the right thing’. 

You worry that the family you had has now broken up. You question what the long term effects of this split will mean for your child/children. The sad part is nobody (including Ferne) WANTS to be a single parent -feeling like a statistic, but sometimes situations just don’t work out among parents and the parent/parents decide to do what is best for the child/children. You worry you won’t have happy children.

I, like many single parents, chose to embrace being a single parent, because that is what I was. Although it was not ideal, or initially what I wanted, I am SO proud of what I have achieved raising three children under the age of three, while single.

Ferne is a mum-to-be who is single but until you have that baby in your arms and until you experience life as a single parent, you will never truly know what it is like to be a single parent. I realise that may sound condescending but before you have children, you assume that you know what it’s like to have children, because you’ve looked after your nieces, nephews or friends’ kids.

Trust me, you don’t! 24/7, 365 days a year is different to a two-hour stint. Even being pregnant and feeling the love you have for your unborn child, you still don’t know what it’s like until you have the sole responsibility for the child that you are parenting. 

For many single mums and dads out there, the struggle is real! I am not claiming to be an expert or forcing my opinion on others, but I can speak from my own experience and from the parents at my children’s school who are single. Whilst I appreciate that everyone’s situation is different – some single parents having a 50/50 split, others get no help from their ex and some are financially supported, others aren’t. Every single parent’s situation is unique to them.

What we have in common is that the majority of single parents have all been on an emotional journey and a struggle, but are proud that they have coped in the face of adversity. When the road seemed to be spiralling downhill, they hiked up that bloody hill – bare foot! And through that journey, they have grown confidence in their own ability as a single parent and don’t feel that they are ‘labelled’. Instead, they feel empowered through their own actions and abilities.

I have a lot of respect, empathy, and support for Ferne. Through no fault of her own, she has had to make probably the hardest decision of her life choosing to become a single parent! But with that ‘label’, she will also have the chance to inspire others, who are in shitty situations with their partners to be brave, to be bold and to do something about it.

Ferne is incredibly lucky to be in a position to be able to inspire others and let them know that being a single parent isn’t shameful – sometimes it’s the only option you have. I believe that embracing the label she has been ‘given’, will help remove the stigma that still surrounds that label. It is not a shameful label, it is a label of courage, determination and will. All three things that Ferne has.

Much love 

Jess #MOMlife

Thank you Loose Women

by Olipophatbaby | Oct 17, 2017 | Lifestyle, Motherhood

I was sat on the train back from London, after being asked to go on loose women to raise awareness about grieving children.

At first, I  felt sick at the thought of opening up the world I had been living in for the past couple of months,  as this would be the first time speaking in public about the death of my children’s father.

I started to think about our lives, realising we are not the only people in this situation. But every night, for hours at a time, when you’re left holding your grieving children that you love completely, you do feel like the only person in this world going through this. For me, hearing stories of others that have been in a similar situation has helped me to come to terms with the future and what it means for my children.

When a death happens, so many people do not know how to deal with or react to it. This is even more so when it is a suicide or when there are children involved. So many people feel like they have to shy away or avoid those connected to the death, which, I understand may be difficult, as no one likes to probe a conversation about the loss for fear of upsetting the loved ones. When someone dies, people need to talk, you need to know people give a shit!

Talking and addressing feelings needs to happen, especially for children. It is ok to say to a child that has lost a loved one “I’m sorry someone you lost died, I’m thinking of you”, children need to hear words of support and to know that they can talk. But if we all walk around with our bloody heads in the sand, pretending everything is hunky dory – nothing will get resolved and can leave permanent damage.

Children are so much more attuned to things than we give them credit for, and children, more than anyone, are the ones that need to understand that it is normal and healthy to talk, because they do not carry the logic that we have as adults. 

Apart from free therapy from Jeff Brazier (I am joking there) I felt compelled to go on the show to help people understand/raise awareness for grieving children. It is important for people who are in similar situations to myself to know that they are not alone and there is help out there.

I want to thank Loose Women for having me,  Colleen, Nadia, Janet, Andrea and Jeff for handling this painful topic with love, grace and support. I was nervous, sad, anxious, all the feelings you don’t want to be when you are talking about something so important. So thank you. It was a cathartic experience. 

Two charities that have helped me are; The Samaritans and Winstons Wish 

The Samaritans, talked me through what was the best way to tell my children their father had died and the second charity was Winstons Wish , who are great with advice on how to handle such a delicate situation and a friendly voice. 

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my partner, Alex, for his continued support and love with my family. And also the messages of support and kindness.

Thank you 

Jess X

Ariba Ariba!

by Olipophatbaby | Oct 16, 2017 | Lifestyle, Motherhood

I have woken up yesterday,  literally feeling how I look in this picture. And FYI, yes I still do have the night before’s make-up on. 

However, feeling like utter sh!t, with my breath resembling that of dog poo, and my hair similar to that of a scarecrow, I can safely say it was definitely worth it. Although, I did attend a children’s party, which included jumping around like a maniac on a trampoline sweating the alcohol out of my system whilst refraining from vomiting on small children.

You see, I went to a Mexican themed charity night, to help raise £44,000 for a chap called Mark who suffers from MS.. Now the chances are if you are reading this blog post, you probably have kids, with it being a mum blog and all that. And if you don’t have kids, just imagine the below anyway, but close your eyes and think ‘child’hood pet instead.

But for all those parents, guardians or carers, I’d like you to take five minutes to just to look at your children, but I mean really look at them and just watch them for 5 minutes. Are you starting to feel how much you love them, and how much they love you back? Can you sense how much they need you and you need them? Now, can you think back to all the times you have taken them to the park, pushed them on a swing and how you may not have understood how lucky you are to be able to do something so simple as a visit to the park?

Think back to how many times you have been ‘too tired’ or used the line  ‘I think the parks closed today’ as an excuse not to do something so simple and small. Or even how many times you have chosen housework over time with the kids  (again, I used to be guilty of this, but after 6 years and three children, I have come to terms with I’m never going to have the Pinterest house I dreamt of, unless I bin all the kid’s toys, clothes, and games. Which I have been tempted to do. More than once.)

Have you, just like me, taken kicking a football, or playing tig, or hide and seek for granted? Just expected that you will always be able to do such things. I know I have, I haven’t even give it a second thought up until recently and reading Marks story.  

Imagine being told that you have MS, and that without treatment you won’t be able to do all the things I have mentioned in the above. I have known Mark for two years, and Mark is one of the of those guys who would help anyone, always smiling, and available to help anyone, and a guy you wouldn’t even know this was happening too if they didn’t need the funds. Mark just wants a chance to be able to do all those things we sometimes take for granted and give his two small children, Oliver and Laucian who are 8 and now 6 the dad they have known and will continue to know.

We take so many things for granted as parents and as human beings, and it is only in the face of adversity that we sit up, we listen and we change. 

Imagine, if that was you who needed the money for treatment, that is you watching your children and wondering with the ‘what if’s’. I can’t bear to imagine not being fit and healthy for my children, and I know I have taken the fact that I am for granted. Anyone who reads this, share it, donate to this page, tell your friends on social media about it. It is in moments like these when people pull together to get things done. So lets flipping do this and help to send Mark to Mexico for his treatment.

Think about how much money have you may have spent frivolously on coffee’s, chocolate, those bloody LOL’s in Tesco? 

Click here and bloody donate NOW! and press the share button!

Lots of love 

Jess #MOMboss

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/marksmexicosalvador